It finally happened...what I never wanted to hear.

It finally happened.  I knew this day might come, but that did not prepare me for the wave of emotions that came with it.  I know having a mother that stands out is hard, but our children have always handled it with such grace and love.  Until last night....

Last night as the kids and I were preparing to leave to attend Basics Awards Night, our 9 year old said the words I have hoped I would not hear. "Mom, can you please wear a hat tonight?"

My heart stopped.  It fell into my stomach like a load of bricks.  "Why?"  "Because it is embarrassing.  Kids make fun of you and then they make fun of us."  There was more explanation, but the bottom line is simple; words hurt.  Not just the person they are being spoken to, but those that love that person as well.

I instantly felt like I was in middle and high school all over again.  A wall went up, my face became stone, vulnerability was evicted. 

On our short drive to the church I just let the words come forth.  Words that I only got out because of the Holy Spirit in me.  Words that described how each and every one of us is made unique.  That uniqueness is seen in so many ways...  a limp, having to use a wheelchair, visible birthmarks, different colored hair, big, small, hair and no hair.  All of us different.  All of us deeply loved by our Savior.

I knew that a day would come when one of our kids might not want to hug us goodbye in front of a crowd, or sit with us during different events.  But my heart did not prepare me for this.  This was so different.  Much more raw.

When we finally got home and the kids were in bed I looked at my husband and the gates opened.  Like the cars in the Indy 500, they raced out of me.  Uninhibited, free, unashamed.  I voiced to him the pain that was brought onto me as a child.  Pain that I felt because of the words of other children and adults.  I thought that I had left that all behind, that I had completely healed.  Wrong was I.  Somehow deep inside there were leftovers.  Ugly leftovers.  So he held me.  In him doing so I felt God holding me as well.  Promising me that there is a season for all things.  But that His grace is sufficient for me.

I finally got the courage to speak to our nine year old and so as I wept I talked with him about courage.  About the fact that God made him a leader.  Now he had to decide what kind of leader he was going to be.  A courageous one?  One that stands up for the persecuted?  One that meets difficutly with grace and love?

Or a leader that leads others in the path of destruction.  One that puts others down because of their own insecurities.  

I talked with him about the pain in my heart.  How words do not just hurt for a moment, but for a lifetime.  That I do not ever want any of our children to make someone feel the way that I felt tonight.  That we should protect and stand up for our loved ones and those that are in need.  The look in his eyes and the pain in his face melted my heart.  He simply said, "Mommy, I am so so very sorry I did not stand up for you."

Those words took down my wall, turned my face soft.  He wrapped his still small hands around my neck.  I explained how I would die for him.  How my heart sometimes hurts because of the love I have for him.  A fierce love.  A never ending love.  

Although I do not see my Alopecia Universalis as a gift, I have seen gifts that have come from it.  I choose to continue to be thankful.  To choose joy even on the hard days.  The painful days.  To help my  kids continue to encourage others, to help others. 

I know that it has been hard on my children.  But what a lesson they are learning about grace.  About embracing the beautiful mess we live in.  About forgiveness.  Our girls told me last night that when others make fun of their mom, they, "look at them and say my Mom was made by God.  My Mommy is beautiful."  

I do believe that next time, G will speak up.  His hugs told me so.