I choose to remember this year...

So over the years I have heard others mention wanting to forget the previous year due to many different things, especially if it was a bad year.  I am the first to admit that 2016 was not easy for me or for us as a family, but I actually choose to remember it.  

I want to remember it because I have seen light come from the darkness, I have seen the rainbow after the storm, the mountain after the valley.

It didn't start out bad, in fact I welcomed 2016 with a new job, one that I love and appreciate.  But then came May.  Melanoma awareness month.  The month that I always get my skin cancer screening because it runs in my family.  With this came the probable diagnosis of Melanoma on my left arm, one that had to be removed twice to make sure it was all removed.  I could focus on the fear that I had in the moment, but I want to remember the feeling of joy when I found out that it was all removed.  That I was clear.  That because of my regular checkups it was caught early.

I choose to see the light.

Then came June, the month when we were knocked off our rockers with the knowledge of being pregnant with baby Eastus #5 (yes, we number our children and often refer to them as their numbers just to make it easy :).  The shock wore off and we were left with pure joy and excitement.  Then came July when we lost that precious one.  To say I was devastated is an understatement.  I was crushed.  But there was light there too.  My husband and I bonded during that time and I witnessed his nurturing and compassion like I had never known.  On top of that I now have a more deeper understanding of what so many of my friends have experienced.  I feel connected to them in a way I would have otherwise not known.  When I take care of patients suffering through a miscarriage, I get it.  I am able to care for them in a deeper way because of walking through it myself.

I choose to see the light.

In August we almost lost my brother, but he was strong and told me he wanted to make it to his nieces birthday on September 21st.  He made it....and then some.  He made it to our Mothers birthday and then to his own on October 29th.  That night he went into the hospital and never recovered.  He passed on November 16th.  My world changed forever.  I have never felt such waves of emotion.  Such grief.  I felt like I was drowning at times, but someone kept holding me to the surface, encouraging me to keep going.  A friend of mine described it perfectly as an ocean.  Waves that ebb and flow.  

I am still deep in the mourning, it has only been a month and a half.  But I choose to think of the good.  The fact that testimony after testimony refers to Brian as Christ like.  As an example to which they led their lives.  He made such an impact without even saying anything.  It is the way in which he lived. (I will write more about his story in another post)

In the weeks leading up to his passing, I made sure that I spent as much time with him as I could, including taking the kids to visit.  I wanted those last memories with him, even though he was non-responsive most of the time.  I wanted our kids to have that time with him.  I am thankful that I had that time and that I was there, that I got to witness his last breath.  I held him as we said goodbye.  It was an honor just being there.

I choose to see the light.  To find the rainbow.  To see the mountain beyond the valley.

Doing that helps me cope with the bad.  I know I will have those days when everything catches up and I feel like I am falling.  But I know that He will catch me.  This year has shown me more than ever that He is my rescue.