The Good. The Bad. The Completely Bald..... My Journey To Alopecia Universalis

So, I came across a post of mine from February 2014.  The one were I explained my hair loss.  Wow, has it been awhile.  I have been through a long journey since then.  A journey filled with joy and mourning.

When our fourth child was born in 2013 I started losing my hair again.  At that point it was plain old Alopecia Areata, which is basically just bald spots (I had gone through this and remission sooo many times).  My body fought against itself, thinking that my hair follicles were foreign material.  Well, then by February it had turned in to Alopecia Totalis, meaning my entire head lost its hair.  It was at this point that I mourned the loss of my hair in full force.

How, as a woman, was I to feel beautiful.  To feel like a woman?  To feel somewhat normal?  I struggled with what society crams into woman.  That we need to have this beautiful hair to help "shape our face."  I really struggled.  But, the Lord started me on my journey of finding my inner beauty.  A beauty that radiated to the outside and made up for that loss of hair.  A beauty that is more lasting, stronger, and more resilient.  I was getting there.

I cannot thank my family and some close friends enough for the strength and encouragement that they gave me.   Words of wisdom, reality, and love.  Words that helped me see my true "new" beauty.  A beauty that was not defined by my hair color, length, or shape.

By the time this summer rolled around I decided enough was enough.  I was tired of hiding behind a hat, worried that I might make others uncomfortable.  Some close friends encouraged me to leave those hats at home.  When I asked my kids about it they didn't know why I wore hats all the time anyway.  Funny, I never thought they would be comfortable with people staring at their mom with no hair.  It made me realize that to them, I am just mom.  This is me.  This is who they love no matter what.  So, I did it.  It felt AMAZING!

I have never felt so freed.  So empowered.  So beautiful as the days following.  Who knew?  I traveled leaps and bounds in this journey of life and hair loss.  Before this transition I would listen to others complain about "bad hair days," or "bad hair cuts" and I would go home and cry.  I would cry because I wanted to have a "bad hair day."  I wanted to sit in a chair and have someone shampoo and cut my hair.  I wanted my husband to run his fingers through my hair, or a baby to grab and pull it.  I wanted to smell my hair after getting out of the shower.  But now, I laugh with them.  I can join in on those conversations and recall those "bad hair cuts" that I have received.  It feels good.  Don't get me wrong, I still have those days I struggle.  But they are few and far between.

So that takes me up until about a month ago when I started to develop into Alopecia Universalis.  Pretty much that means I am losing ALL my hair.  My eyebrows, lashes.  All my hair.  I thought I was already over the mourning process, but I guess I was wrong.  I mourned again.  This time the realization struck that when it gets to this point, the likely hood of getting my hair back is slim to none.

My toddler will never know me with hair.

God has thankfully brought me through this transition a little quicker.  He has showed me the beauty in it all.  It has brought me closer to some, allowed others to admit and share their struggles to me.

I have to admit, my time getting ready to go somewhere is significantly easier and faster.  I don't have to worry about bad hair days, or how the humidity will affect me.  No hair gets caught in my mouth.  No tangles to brush through.  No shaving.  Benefits.

Now the one thing that I really miss my hair for is when I sweat.  Standing out in the garden yesterday the sweat was pouring down my brow (and past it because lets just admit those are pretty much gone) and into my eyes.  And my mouth.  Can we say annoying?  And salty?

So I am back on track.  Back to being joyful.  To seeing myself for my good qualities.  To letting my inner beauty win.  I know that I might get off track once in awhile in the future, but my future is looking bright.  I am excited where God is going to take me.  How He is going to use me.  He already has.  One thing is for sure.  I could not do this without the love of my Savior.