Being a Momma.... What I have learned in this journey.

I have wanted to be a momma ever since I can remember.   I played house with my friends growing up and if they weren't around, I would somehow convince my brothers to play.   Always wanting to have lots of kids I would write down what I would name them.  Now a mother of four, I could never have imagined the impact motherhood would have on me.

I remember bringing home Gabriel, our first born and thinking it was crazy that all of the sudden we were responsible for this tiny baby boy.  What do we do?  But in the same moment I remember how natural it felt to hold him in my arms.  To love him, and oh how I love him!  That sweet baby goodness smell and warm cuddles made up for all those late night feedings.   Those messy diapers, stained shirts, sleep deprived days were so worth it.  God taught me to lean on Him and to become selfless.  I was a Mommy now.


Then came Brooklyn, just 16 months later.  I never knew how much I wanted a girl until we had her.  I cried tears of joy when I first laid eyes on her, just as I had with her big brother.   And to watch Tom with his little girl just melted my heart!  My heart and love for this little family grew leaps and bounds!  In this time I observed the special bond that was formed between brother and sister.  A bond that I developed with my older brother Brian (just 14 months older).

Abigail and Levi's pregnancies were so hard on me and for my family as well.  From PICC lines, fainting spells, countless hours of sickness, and the thought that I had nothing in me to nourish my growing babies.  Yet, they grew and they grew well.  God carried me through with the help of countless people.  Those that drove our children places, provided meals, prayers, words of encouragement, and sweet visits will never be forgotten.  We are blessed!

I often describe my love for them as one that makes my heart physically hurt. I can only imagine that this is minute fraction of the love that God has for each of us.  I have also learned to try hard to treasure these moments because in the blink of an eye they could be gone.  I have watched others go through this and can't possibly understand how they are able to endure it.  I pray for these women and families and admire their strength.

Each of our kids are so unique and special in their own ways.  Don't get me wrong, they also each have their difficulties.  But just like we learned in those first days as new parents, with the difficulties come great advantages and joys.  I know I still have so much to learn as a parent, but I am so happy with all that they have taught me thus far.  My kids have taught me to look at my Savior with a more child-like faith, to find patience in the midst of chaos, to have confidence in myself as a mother, and to love their Daddy even more than I thought possible.  I am a work in progress.

Motherhood has changed me.  It has made me a better person.  It has opened my eyes to my faults, allowed me to be silly, kept me on my toes, helped me to heal, and taught me how to love hard.  I look at our sweet children and see the gifts that they are.  Gifts that God has given Tom and I.  Gifts to cherish, to teach, to let fly.